*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Uh oh…
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler