[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.