*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.


inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it


I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.


It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.


Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.


tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead


There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.