@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

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@david8hughes

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

@thelateinnings

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

@LADaddy

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

@bornmiserable

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@vladyhh

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.