@sad_tree

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

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@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@lovemyboots111

Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life….

Avoiding them

@tsm560

Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.

@Shwetangles

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

@DeanB15

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

@junejuly12

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.