*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭