A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by