A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
In space, no one can hear…
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.