Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😭😭

I need to sieze this.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.