A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
is this a warning or an offer?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*