A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
You Might Also Like
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.