A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The 6 types of sex
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.