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Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules