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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Asking the real questions!
My life in a nutshell
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
👽
