Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

I didn’t come here to be called names

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?