A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.