[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
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vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
No one can handle that
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good