Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Candy123!

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….