Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*