Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Thursday Thought.

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.