Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Inside you there are two wolves

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.