[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.