A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
