A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
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ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
sistine chapel
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.