@Knorg

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

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@SouthrnPinUpMom

Moms get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum…

@ImaFlyontheWall

If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.

@GingerHotDish

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

@ArfMeasures

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

@krisv_723

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.