A double negative is a big no-no.
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Ummm 😳
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.