A double negative is a big no-no.
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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
even bears disappoint their mothers
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls