Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

The most important meal of the day is the next one

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”