A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You Might Also Like
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.