A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this