A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.