A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Did I do this right
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.