A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
You Might Also Like
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians