Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

Thaw me like one of your french fries

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

good work, everybody

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained