A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
This could be us… but you playing
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
This is Sparta
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line