Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

How to wake up a Beagle

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.