A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
so weird how every mom was born today
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato