A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?