A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.