The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
How to make pasta:
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Start an Italian restaurant.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!