A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.