@hamspamtymaam

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

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@robin_991

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

@CelebrityChez

How to make pasta:
-Boil water.
-Put what you think couldn’t possibly be too much pasta in the pot.
-Wrong.
-Start an Italian restaurant.

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

@TheBlessMess

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

@rockymomax

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@rickkondell

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!