A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia