Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

If only

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…

Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

not to brag, but mine was free

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday