A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?