A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
This trial is so absurd 😭
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane