Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Message from the dog groomers

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

my favorite gender

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.