A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
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Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
January has been Januweary
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
they really do be looking like this
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages