A drum solo but on your face.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?