A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
You Might Also Like
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My birthstone is kidney
I think this cat is broken
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math