[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared