Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.