A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
what does he know…
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
i’m sure it’s fine
