A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Aight bet
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.