Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case