Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

This is my pinned tweet

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.