Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

accurate

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

😂😂

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.