A duv-egg? In this economy?
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?