A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh