A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I basically called this earlier today
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
me logging onto twitter
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Strange
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no