A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting