Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

That’s no pocket rocket.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.