A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither