A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.