Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Children of the corn 🌽

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Anyone want a chair?

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

huge if true: the moon