A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie