A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Based Erika
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]