A face that lunched a thousand chips.
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
You learn something every day
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I can’t stop watching this.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants