Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.