Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I’m aging like a fine banana

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you