A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Cause of death: Zumba
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂