A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
live long and prosper!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”