A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
reduce, reuse, recycle
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.