Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Smile they said.

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

multitasking lunch

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

#damn