Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

It’s actually Dr. whatever

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂