a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.