Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

forgive me baja for i have blast

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?