A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
😭😭
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Awwwww shit.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.