A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Revenge served cold
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
