A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now