A fake ID that makes you younger
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.